26 August 2011

Je Ne Sais Quoi

This expression is French for "I do not know what".

And that is about how I'm feeling right now. 

There are many things pulling me in some different directions, and I feel a definite loss of control.

For one, I can't help thinking that everyone else in the entire world is out doing something super-fun.  And I'm missing out, so I'm compelled to try and "keep up with the Joneses" so to speak.  We received the email tonight about auditions for the children's theatre, and I felt that wormy prickle of obligation  Because why?  Because I want to continue to feel like a part of an elite group of theatre moms?  Because I'm afraid of falling out of favor with the director?  Because I want my kids to be active and creative?  Because they really, really want to?

Second, I think I am having major doubts about everything.  What I want to believe is that staying home, baking bread, homeschooling, hosting a foreign exchange student, how I'm raising my children is the perfect, right thing to do for all members of my family.  But, I have no clue about all that.  Spencer has friends he probably should call - to invite over and keep in touch with - but we're so wrapped up in school and our foreign exchange student to have the energy to do it.  So, is he really losing out socially then?

It's late, and my mind tends to brood more at this time of the day.  Things seem more dire around midnight.  I hope to wake up tomorrow and have solutions and plans of action.

1 comment:

  1. I'm betting you're doing just fine. Life's not a step by step instruction. More like finding your way in the dark with a flashlight, and most of us do okay. Raising your kids with good intentions, good examples and role models, and love and compassion, will take care of most everything. So stop doubting yourself and go get your Mom of the Year award...... :-)