26 May 2010

Nothing Is A Given

As I consider the enormity of the English language, there is one word right now that I can’t stop thinking about:

Fair.

A word that is so overused…and yet a word that describes a concept that is so vague, elusive, intangible. Probably because it is so overused.

We’ve all heard it. We’ve all said it. We’ve all thought it.

“That’s not fair!”
“To cry fair or foul.”
“All’s fair in love and war.”

My online dictionary defines fair as “in accordance with the rules or standards.” Most of the time, that definition works for me. But I realize, it works for me ONLY because the “rules or standards” happen to go with my own desires and wants at that time.

When someone exclaims something is not fair, it’s usually because they feel they were entitled to some specific outcome/behavior. Many times, the entitlement is justified; it is in accordance with the typical society’s “rules and standards”.

For example, I have always believed that when I (and my spouse) was ready to have kids, we would readily, easily conceive them. I considered that “fair”. And, when the time came, that’s how it happened. All three times.

But wait, how many loving, amazing people are out there want the same as I did? Millions. How many of those same are not having children easily? Millions more, probably. Friends close to me are having conception issues – they have waited, pondered, researched for years – they have done all that thinking that most of the rest of us didn’t do. It seems “fair” to me that they should be more entitled to children than I was. Whose “rules and standards” are in effect here?

Another example of a skewed sense of fairness concerns a former principal I worked under; his six-month-old infant son passed away unexpectedly last night. According to the “rules and standards” we’re used to, we are entitled to outlive our children. It just seems to align with the natural sense of the world. I wonder now: where did I get that right to believe that?

These things cause me to call my idea of “fairness” in question. Once upon a time, I might have cried these things “weren’t fair”…without any sense of what I really meant. Now, because I do believe the universe unfolds as it will, despite what we do, these things occur for some cosmic reason. And, I don’t have to remind you guys that our “society” is not the end all-be all. There is a larger, more sublime “Society” that exists, and it has its own rules and standards…ones that we will probably never, ever comprehend.

Now, all I can really say is: These things aren’t fair…to me. And probably not to people I know, either.

Does this make you feel helpless? I hope it’s doesn’t. I think we waste too much time proclaiming what’s fair and what isn’t. It doesn’t matter – it’s what a person does after the judgment that matters.

25 May 2010

Letting Go - Corollary A

So, why do we hold on to the things we do? As I sifted through the medley of items collected throughout my years on this planet (as discussed in the previous post), it occurs to me I have no reasonable logic behind keeping what I keep. And throwing what I throw, for that matter.

Exhibit A: I found my wedding dress about three days ago. After my wedding, I'd had small damage repaired, the entire thing cleaned, and then boxed/packaged up nicely in a "keepsake box". The heavy-duty cardboard box contains a clear oval cut-out, which allows me to view the wedding dress's bodice in its beaded and sequined glory. However, it creeps me out a bit, as the dress is fitted over a dismembered plastic mannequin torso, rendering it head and legless. Kind of like Stephen King meets "Brides" magazine.

Of course, I wish I knew what exactly I was thinking some thirteen years ago when I had it done. The purpose? The need? Who knows. More provocative, though, is why I've left it that way for the last decade-plus. And why now do I have the fervid desire to rip the box open, put it on (even though it will be too big), and go shopping at WalMart?

Who can comprehend the post-wedding human mind? Who, indeed?

Exhibit #2: I'd packed five years' worth of "free" Iowa State University phone books into my Container O' Memories. Every dorm room had its own copy, which found its way into my luggage at the end of every school year.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Originally, I think I kept them as proof of my progression through college; proof that I'd actually made it. You know, in case I ever lost my diploma or developed amnesia and forgot I graduated from college. Now, I think I've saved them because I'm so vain (I probably think this phone book is about me).

It occurs to me now that I should have just ripped out the page containing my name and saved that instead of the whole phone book. Oh well, in another ten years, when I go through those relics again, I'll do just that.

Going through all this stuff has provided a key discovery to my own personality: I keep things that remind me of things I could possibly forget. That's why the most of the Rochester Post-Bulletins of my children's birthdays did not make the cut...I will never forget my children or when I had them. They were the important things that occurred on those days; all other top stories are irrelevant to me. But, the 9/11 newspapers remain because it's an important historical event I don't want to forget.

And for this reason, the collegiate phone books will join the discard pile someday. I doubt I'll ever forget I went to college; I mean, every job I've ever gotten is because I have a college diploma.

And the wedding dress? Will I ever forget I'm married? I doubt it. Not when I wake up next a cute, conservative Aquarius every morning. Not when I interact with my three children on a daily basis (one of whom is his dad through and through). Not when I see our wedding picture displayed in the living room. Not when I catch the glint of my wedding band on my ring finger.

Now...if I ever get Alzheimer's...all bets are off.

02 May 2010

My 35th Year

I suppose I owe my faithful readers a recap of the thirty-fifth year of my life - what with my birthday being almost a week past now. I know I've stalled on composing this post, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps once I get to it, I'll realize it was a larger topic than previously thought.

I won't bore with the list of presents I received or activities I did. Instead, I'll regale you with the insights of a woman in her 35th year...because after all, I'm one year better and wiser; so the story goes.

First off, the month of April opened up with a new addition to my body.

I was first inked when I was eighteen. In the pre-cell phone and Internet era, what does a teenager do once she's left her parents' house and rules behind?

Besides have sex for the first time, I mean?

I get a tattoo! The only problem was that I'd put no thought into what I wanted; thus, I wound up with a design that was trendy and faddish at the time. I also did not consider where I would have it done; thus I ended up with the left shoulder. I don't regret getting the tattoo, but it occurs to me that 99% of the time, I forget I have it. And even if I did have it somewhere that I saw it often, it would have little significant meaning to me now.

But...I knew, deep down, I always wanted another tattoo. Finally, the germ of an idea came to fruition about a month ago. Right around my 30th birthday, the idea of having my astrological symbol tattooed appealed to me. But, I just quite never found the design I wanted...and ultimately, I never was quite compelled enough to get it done.

Then, the turmoil of the last year put the tattoo idea on the backburner. My husband and I separated and I was in the midst of a major job change. Getting a tattoo fell on the list of priorities. However, earlier this year, when things seem to set themselves right, the idea of a tattoo experienced a rebirth. I determined this year was going to be the year - but what? and where? The astrological symbol was still a possibility, but it had lost a bit of its luster. Even more of a vague notion was where to put it? All I knew was that I wanted it somewhere more visible.

Then, in what I can only explain as a total confluence of the planets, Providence, and/or other celestial forces unknown to me...the tattoo imprinted itself in my brain, as if it had been there along, waiting for me to remember it.

"Not all those who wander are lost."

One of my most favorite lines from one of my most favorite books. The rearranged blog title of a good friend here at the Stream (as well as IRL). The sentence engraved on a silver bracelet I'd long eyeballed in the Pyramid Collection catalog. And - a sentence that had more meaning for me than ever before, considering my journey of the last year.

The location? My foot. Yes, it was the trendy spot right now, but what better place, honestly, for THAT phrase?

So I went Easter weekend and got 'er done. After seven minutes of some pretty serious pain, I was done. And:



I love it. I see it everyday and I am reminded of my philosophy:

I really have no idea where I'm going. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But, I'm not lost. I'm wandering, but it's okay.

So, that's the words of wisdom gleaned from my 35th year. As much as society stresses that we all "have a plan", it's okay that I don't. I don't always know what I want to do with my life, I don't really have all my "safety nets" in place, I can't always see the "big picture", and who I am now might be totally different tomorrow.

And I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

18 April 2010

Another PSA From Mother Nature

I'm on the treadmill this morning and the top story on the Today show is all about the volcano eruption in Iceland.

A significant portion of Europe has completely shut down to the insanely enormous plume of ash and smoke that hovers over much of that continent...

Thousands of travelers are stranded at airports...

As expected, the human-interest producers at the Today show look to capitalize on the natural-disaster-connection angle. Part of this morning's segment included information about the last year's earthquakes – there are a significant number of 8.0+ earthquakes that rocked planet Earth recently. Add that to the last five years’ worth of natural disasters: tsunamis, hurricanes, tornados, mudslides, floods, volcanoes – it appears, surmised the beautifully coiffed host, that Mother Nature is sending us a message.

Well, yes, DoubleBreastedBusinessPantSuit Lady, she is. Are you just now tuning in? Are you really that clueless that you have to ask the question?

Over the roar of all our medical and technological advances, she is definitely trying to tell us something. First of all, she’s reminding us that she’s in charge of the planet, not us. Ultimately, we humans are the mortal ones, and for all our bravado and condescension, we should remember that in the blink of an eye, our lives are gone. Who else but Mother Nature can annihilate hundreds of thousands of people in one go? And we pay good money to people who predict the weather? Ha!

Second, I think Mother Earth is trying to tell us that there are way too many people on this planet. People have too many kids, they take up too much space, and they make vaccines and whatnot that prolong people’s natural lifespan. Frankly, maybe she’s trying to clear some room out for the rest of us.

I will stop my train of thought here for fear of being considered callous, heartless, cruel…not that I really fear it, but still…

And for all my own uppity pretentiousness, I can advocate no reasonable solution for this natural disaster dilemma. We certainly can’t stop them from happening, and so I don’t think there is any purpose in squandering valuable energy and thought on worrying about things like tectonic plates or dormant volcanoes. A change in mindset, though, might be in order: remember that our time here is very limited (when you think about how long rocks, trees, rivers, etc. have been around). We should all pick four or five things that REALLY matter and work on building happiness and contentment within those things. Forget what the bitter hearts or Hollywood or Cosmo or even the government (at times) tell you what’s important.

Lest I spread confusion on this point, let me clarify. Do what makes you happy – yes. Focus on what’s important to you – yes. Use this as an excuse to build a meth lab or neglect your children or become selfish – NO.

15 April 2010

Seven Days of Craziness Makes One Weak

You've all heard of Sir Isaac Newton, I'm sure, and can quote, verbatim, his first law of motion...

Neither can I. I had to Google it. But, it's okay, I can now Google in a box, with a fox, while eating lox. It's all good.

Anyway, the law reads as thus:

Objects that are in motion will remain in motion until an outside force is applied upon it.

Ol' Newton probably was talking about billiard balls and miniscule quarks when he devised this law...but nevertheless, the principle rings true today.

Things around here got underway Monday with play practice. It's a new season for Oskaloosa Community Theater, and yours truly is directing the first show! Before that, however, I participated/witnessed a very interesting (not totally in a good way) Board meeting.

Since that night, life has been a frantic cycle of exercise, work, school, taxicab, soccer, and play practice. Isaac knows what I'm talking about...I am constantly in motion until an outside force is exerted upon me...usually in the form of sleep. It's no wonder this week has flown by. Oh yeah, Elliot fractured his little boy hand, and is in a cast (the first time ever for ANY of our children).

Our positivity experiment took a backseat for sure this week. Last night, though, we seemed to regroup a little and refocus. Today's task was to speak/act in ways that built/created/developed.

For example, instead of berating a child (or spouse) for something not done this morning, spend the energy instead looking forward. Focus on the next time...the next morning, etc.

This hypothesis was tested today when Brent became highly irritated at a Facebook post of mine...and this post triggered thoughts of past annoyances/aggravations for him. It seems now he has gotten over it, and we are continuing forward.

What's terribly interesting is applying Newton's first law to the idiosyncrasies of the human heart. It is very easy to fall into a pattern of remembering and getting bogged down by the past...because after all, science says it's natural for objects (even homo sapiens) to do so. The trick is to consciously make our minds change direction - the external force is a lot harder for the mind to come by than a set of billiard balls.

For sure.

27 March 2010

Buffeted By A Major Storm...and When To Let Go

You ever have those times when you type or write a word out and realize that it's a weird word? Weirdly spelled? Weirdly pronounced? Today, "buffeted" is that word for me. Tomorrow, it will look and sound totally fine.

I try to live by one simple rule: strive to live in ways that will bring emotional contentment. It occurs to me today that I mostly live in ways that keep me from avoiding uncomfortable situations. I diet and exercise to keep from being uncomfortably obese. I work two part-time jobs to keep from being uncomfortably tied down to the work world. I write, shop, read, watch Ellen, and Google for pleasure to keep from being uncomfortably bored and stupid.

However, these actions are not a real pursuit of happiness...they are an avoidance of vexing circumstances. And I find that's not a totally keen way to live one's life.

The last two days have perhaps been the two of the most uncomfortable, unhappy, irritating, annoying days of my life. Not too good when your whole life goal is to avoid such situations!

Today, though, I woke up early, felt grateful for all my working limbs and went off to work out. Through a mix of weightlifting, talking with my career-challenged dad, and listening to the Black Eyed Peas, I sense the spirits lifting. It's amazing how the body and brain and universe sometimes collaborate for the betterment of the human person.

Things don't seem so insurmountable today. I know that part of it is the nature of time and part of it is my natural tendency to mobilize in the face of stress.

And so, I let go of all things stressful today. I have done what I can do, said what I can say, and now I am moving forward. Other, better things await me today.

03 March 2010

I Castigate Myself...So You Don't Have To

My god, it has been a week and a half since my last blog post. That is completely unacceptable!

Therefore, I will now deliver forty lashes to myself in chastisement. However, since I don't have access to a leather belt, cat o'nine tails, or bullwhip, I will have to use my computer charging cord. Let me reassure you, it is wire encased in plastic and has a little magnetic nub on the end which will, no doubt, leave serious welts.

I humbly prostate myself and beg your forgiveness for my sloth.

**********

Anyway, there's been a lot going on around here. The weather is finally starting to look up. We have temps in the high thirties, bright sunshine, and bluey-blue skies. That in and of itself is a definite spirit-lifter. Then, the university I teach at is on Spring Break, so I have been the beneficiary of a shorter-than-usual workday and long, leisurely afternoons. Of course, this is tempered with the fact that I have a lot of grading to do. You take the good, you take the bad...

My exercise routine is becoming well-established and my diet is going along decent lines. In general, I am feeling better and am looking forward to better days...

And to end on an up note: My husband is taking me to see The Black Eyed Peas later on this month - and those tickets came in the mail this morning. Also, one of our favorite brands of local wine was on sale today as well. See...life is good! I am on top!