Chocolate Jesus

Hmmm...there are so many options. I've had a lot on my mind lately, like... 1. Seeking medical attention 2. Return to Paganism 3. Easter gifts and philosophy 4. Home remodeling 5. Energy draining of pointless committees 6. How "Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!" is, in fact, a thinly disguised critique of Adolf Hitler's Third Reich. Well, Chuck, I feel like seeing what's behind Door Number Three. Easter. OK, you all know me, and how hard it can be for me to celebrate Christian holidays without a vomitous feeling in the back of my throat at the hypocrisy of it all. You all know that I think it's a complete farce that the entire month of December (practically) consists of annoying radio jingles, insane toy advertising, holiday special reruns, potlucks, and fattening sugar cookies - all in the name of celebrating a "man" whose birthday was actually in the spring...nowhere near December 25th. And on that special day, I'm supposed to forget all the aforementioned items and focus on the "reason for the season". Whatever that is. Now before I'm labeled a Grinch, I'd like to state that I do not wish to abolish Christmas. Personally, I love Christmas music and Christmas food. I like shopping and Santa and wrapping presents. I concur in my heart of hearts with the Christmas theory of being generous and giving. But, I abhor the veneer of self-righteous of religious fanatics who wave their propaganda at me, asking me to believe in a lie (the previously mentioned "Jesus Came on a Midnight Clear). You, who know me so well, will know that I can't participate in such hypocrisy without losing my self-respect. And wanting to bake my head in the nearest microwave oven. And now, Easter. To me, this is the time of the year when we all should be celebrating THE EARTH. The ancients had it right when they took part in festivals welcoming back the Sun God (whom, by the way, is ageless, so there are no raging debates about his birthday). For the Greeks, the Goddess of Agriculture's daughter is returning from Hades...the weather is getting warmer, crocuses are budding, the sun is brighter...I mean, spring is in the air. I feel that happy burst of life that impels me to open my windows, run outside, and listen to the birds in their nests. I mean, it's a time of rebirth and renewal. It's an uplifting time for me. I'm not really in the mood for a macabre story about the darkness that lurks in the heart of man. You know of whom I speak. Pontius Pilate and his band of nail-drivers. Not to mention Judas, the champion of backstabbers the world over. But, you know, whatever. And now, to my real point. We are not getting the kids Easter gifts this year. We've been sporadic about it in the past, and have decided to chuck the whole thing altogether. My husband's reasoning is that the kids receive too many gifts and goodies anyway, so it won't hurt them to miss Easter. Frankly, I'm glad because that means I won't have to buy them damned chocolate bunnies and Cadbury creme eggs that I would just end up scarfing myself anyway. I also won't have to explain the connection between Easter eggs and chocolate and Jesus dying on the cross (Although, this potentially could be cleared up if all candy/chocolate companies began to manufacture Chocolate Jesuses). But most of all, I'm glad that we've jointly decided to not fall victim to parental peer pressure of getting gifts in commemoration of a holiday that, in general, we're pretty lukewarm about. Instead, we'll probably just hang out as a family and balance eggs on their ends on Friday (the equinox...seriously, you can really do that). Now, that's something tangible I can celebrate. Balancing eggs, balancing Earth, balancing life...a return to better times.

Whoa - Been Awhile Since A Day Like This...

First off, my apologies to anyone who might have been expecting great things out of me today/tonight - it's just not going to happen.

So, OK. I live in middle America. I have three kids, a dog, and a minivan. I work at a high school. Most of my days are pretty even and noneventful - and most of the time, I'm OK with that. Every now and then I shake things up by taking an exotic European vacation, buying leather furniture, or fighting with my husband.

But most of the time, my days continue pretty much according to my plan, and I am in control of the events of those days...most of the time. Most nights I fall asleep thinking, "Yeah, pretty good day."

Today was NOT one of those days. Today was one of those days where I thought WTF? Why is the universe taking a crap on my head?

Brent left this morning for MN. He goes there about once a month to check in at work. So, I'm in charge of the morning routine. No problem. Now. Because of all the snow days we've had, the school has adopted a new school day schedule. We will start classes ten minutes earlier and extend the day fifteen minutes later. I assumed this changeroo also meant an earlier bus time for all elementary kids. Seems logical, yes? So, I bring my kids to their bus stop ten minutes earlier than usual...no bus. Either bus is gone or bus hasn't come yet. Either way, I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Therefore, I run the kids out to the school. I am now late for work, and will stress at the "rushed" feeling I will experience as I get ready for my day.

Eventually, the day begins, and things get much better. I am starting "The Odyssey" today - I am very excited to be doing my job.

Shortly after lunch, I get a call from the elementary school. Kirby has a fever. She had strep about two weeks ago, and since then, this pesky little fever has persisted off and on. I hurriedly call our school's secretary who gets a sub to me as fast as she can. Now I'm trying to teach a class, while get my things together for the sub who's coming in to cover my last two periods of the day. Again, I feel rushed and stressed.

Soon, I'm leaving the building, heading for the elementary. On the way, I call the doctor's office and try to schedule something for Kirby. Turns out the only thing they have available is "work in", meaning they'll get to me when they can. Humph.

Crap, I just totally hit the wall. That means I will crash on my pillow in about five minutes.

Gotta go fast now. Pick up Kirby, relax at home for a little bit, venture back out to elem. to pick up Spencer (which is a whole other madcap adventure), pick up Elliot at daycare, drive to doctor's office. We sit for about twenty minutes when it dawns on me that there are A LOT of sick people in the office right now and very few of them are scheduled appointments. Which means they're like me - work ins. Greeeeeeat. I happen to overhear a receptionist complain that there are currently seventeen work ins. Knowing that I just walked in minutes ago, I realize my daughter is towards the bottom of that pile.

Eventually, I get up and leave. I do not want to fight a two-hour wait in a waiting room with three cranky, tired, and, pretty soon, hungry kids. I'll just pump Kirby full of Tylenol and Sprite and she how she feels in the morning.

One good thing is that my parents call me and say to bring the kids over because they've bought KFC for dinner. Yummy. So we eat, then I head off to play auditions (I'm co-directing the latest community theater play). On the drive over, I decide to go ahead and get a sub for tomorrow, because I am just sick of this come-and-go fever/sickness that Kirby has been experiencing. She needs to see a doc, and so we'll go tomorrow.

Problem with a sub is...juggling schedules and figuring out what to do when I'm not going to be there. I gotta keep is easy for the sub. And frankly, nobody explains it better than I.

Ooooh, bedtime. Battery power has nearly expired. Am running on reserve. Anyway, crappy day. Going to bed. New day tomorrow.

Hope you havee ljdlfgjpojlkdfjgljlkjgzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Major Achievement!

I have just finished grading my last freshman research paper!!!!

High-fives all around!

The trimester ends this week, and so I was working under a slight time constraint. Going into this weekend, I only had two of my four periods graded...but I used my time wisely yesterday afternoon and today and finished them all.

You cannot even imagine how it feels to be finished with this task. But let me try to illustrate with examples from pop culture and beyond.

1. You all know Odysseus from "The Odyssey", right? The guy who takes twenty years to get home after the Trojan War? Yeah, I feel like that.

2. Odysseus's wife, Penelope, has been waiting, faithfully, for him to return. For twenty years. Yeah, I feel like that.

3. How about reading all seven books of the Harry Potter series, one right after the other? Yeah, I feel like that that.

4. Try watching the extended editions of "Lord of the Rings." Back to back to back. Yeah, I feel like that.

5. Twelve minutes of pure hell in high school physical education on "Run the Mile" day. Yeah, I feel like that.

6. Giving birth. Three times. Without drugs. Yeah, I feel like that.

7. Waiting for the last day of school to end. Yeah, I feel like that.

It feels pretty sweet, actually. I think I'll ask my husband if he has ideas on how I can celebrate this achievement.

Blogging Is Like Exercising

The later in the evening I do it, the worse the total result is. Early on in my jogging-on-the-treadmill-every-night days, I thought I was being pretty wise by running later in the evening. I was emulating Chuck Norris by roundhouse kicking my earlier-eaten dinner right in its smug little face. However... But as I continued along in this vein for awhile, my workouts began to be less productive. It became easier to slack off because I was tireder or fuller, or whatever lame excuse appeared at the time. So, I bumped my running to right after school, and sure enough, my workouts have made like Emeril and kicked themselves up a notch. Which brings me to blogging. The later I wait, the suckier my entry is (or so I feel...it could possibly be the same brilliant drivel to you). Right now, I'm pretty sleepy and I'd like to go to bed, which is affecting my word judgment, I'm sure of it. So I will. Go to bed, I mean. You can all talk bad about me and my lack of literary talent after I leave. Just to warn you all, though, we're supposed to get five+ inches of snow here tonight. It's very likely that I won't have to go to work tomorrow...but I bet you will. MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA!

Attaining Minivana

OK, so those of you familiar with Buddhism know that the ultimate goal was Nirvana, which was the supreme state of peace of the mind. You probably also know about the Eightfold Path, which was a guide to the path to Nirvana. You achieve the eight steps, you achieve the highest form of peace and enlightenment possible.

I've obviously condensed this all, of course.

OK - so what does this have to do with anything? In my own life, I feel that I am well on my way to an enlightenment of my own. For the last month and a half, we have gone through the process of preparing for the purchase a minivan (I know, three kids and we haven't joined The Club yet - scandalous!).

This weekend, however, I feel we will finally achieve the state of supreme enlightenment known as "Minivana."

Let me describe my journey for you. I will present the Eightfold Path and how it has been achieved in my house.

1. Right View: To see and understand things for what they really are

Minivana: My husband and I have come to see and understand that our four-door Extended Crew Cab Chevy truck is not enough anymore. Our kids don't have enough room to spread out and constantly are in each other's physical space.

2. Right Intention: A commitment to improvement

Minivana: Over Christmas break, we committed to making a new minivan purchase, and buying it in the near future. It's no longer an idea, it's on its way to becoming reality.

3. Right Speech: Using words genuinely, kindly, and effectively

Minivana: We did a follow-up email to the minivan salesguy after we'd visited the lot one weekend, asking plenty of good, effective questions. We did this in a kind, respectful manner as well.

4. Right Action: Wholesome actions lead to sound states of mind

Minivana: Brent spent a week after the salesguy emailed us back crunching numbers and poring over financial records to find out when would be the best time to buy.

5. Right Livelihood: Wealth is gained in a healthy, legal, and peaceful

Minivana: Brent is a software engineer and I am a high school English teacher. Both are very peaceful professions.

6. Right Effort: Focusing the right kind of energy, making the right kind of effort

Minivana: We are exercising a fair amount of restraint, which is uncommon for us. Usually, if we want to do something, we'll just do it. However, this time around, we are truly making a great effort to not rush into the decision.

7. Right Mindfulness: An ability to conceptualize the "big picture"

Minivana: Because of our research, we are picking minivan models now based on future needs. Growing kids = more legroom = buy the bigger minivan now, etc, etc, as opposed to just getting something now that we'll be dissatisfied with later. This is not just an impetuous, "now" purchase, but one for the future as well.

8. Right Concentration: All mental energies are directed and focused on an object.

Minivana: This is where we are now. Brent and I will be focusing all of our energy on this one task; we are mentally, physically, and economically preparing for this event. For example, Brent entirely cleaned out the car we plan on trading in. This shows extreme concentration and foresighted preparation - a focus on making this one event happen.

Say it with me now...Ohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

The Real Reason For The Season

OK, people, forget the Christmas presents, the shopping, the cookies, the ornaments, the gift cards, the fruitcake, and the grouchy children and in-laws.

Christmas is about none of these things. It's about snow days.

It's time for the seasonal equivalent of Russian Roulette.

Those of you who grew up in the public school system will recall dusty memories of waking up, and groggily looking out the window at a fresh blanket of snow. As you rubbed the sleep goobers out of your eyes, you groaned with an inward sense of dread that it was going to be hell trying to drive to school with this on the roads...or hell riding the bus, if that was the case. Suddenly, that slow tingly delicious sense of realization crept over your entire body...school might be cancelled! You rushed to the TV or radio and found the local station. The newscaster would slowly roll through the cancellations and postponements...usually in alphabetical order. To this day, you never knew how you managed to keep from ripping the knobs off the appliances as the reporter droned on...and wondering all the while, who really did give a crap about the cancelled spaghetti supper at the First United Methodist Church of Christ??

Your happiness rested on one monumental decision. Would the superintendent have mercy? You knew in the blink of an eye your day could be absolutely ruined. Nerves jangled as you awaited that announcement. And finally, that moment of bliss...of utter contentment..of sheer, unadulterated joy. School was canceled. A whole day off! Nothing to do but whatever your little heart desired. Glorious!

So, I'm still in public education. And this whole emotional roller coaster of school cancellations is still there. And it's about ten times better. I freaking love it.

The Root Of All Evil?

Money. Cash. Or at least, Pink Floyd said so.

Today, I feel like discussing Money and...Religion.

Hmmmm...

I was sitting in church about three weeks ago, and the sermon was titled "Tithing or Not?" When I saw that in our bulletin, my interest was piqued. See, I had just recently begun attending church regularly (like within the last year), because it had taken me forever (seems like) to get over my church phobia. For whatever reason that I could never quite place, my distaste for organized religion had spread to various other areas of my life. In my late teens and early 20's, I didn't give God much of a thought...I was too busy trying to just live my life. So I went on happily living my atheist lifestyle, until I realized that I could be spiritual without being religious. A major breakthrough, let me tell you.

So, anyway, after some meandering here and there, we've become members of a Quaker church here in town. Everyone's very welcoming and there is a definite "church family" feel. Imagine my trepidation then, upon learning that week's sermon about tithing. Would this be one of those hypocritical sermons that would leave a bad taste in my mouth and turn me away from the church again?

Well, yes and no. I understand that the church is somewhat of a business. They have bills to pay, causes to support etc, and the main source of income is what the parishioners provide. And yet, it is this dependence on money that I find so damn irritating. Petty squabbles arise because a committee wants to cover pews, replace windows, or send a youth group on missionary trip...and what do we need? Money. All this reliance on money.

Reminds me of another wonderful thing about being Pagan. No church, no ties to money. I can easily step outside and bask in the light of a full moon...and there's my church. Walk out in the rain, crunch through fall leaves, get a sunburn at the pool - that's my church. And I don't have to pay for it.