Dear President Obama,
First of all, congratulations on your official birth certificate record. Now that it’s been proven you were born in Hawaii, all those dumbasses who claimed you were illegal can shut the hell up.
Second, your plan for Universal Health Care? Let me say that I fully support it. I mean, after all, I already pay high premiums for who-knows-what, so I’d rather not be deceived about who exactly I’m paying for.
However, I do feel you’re trying to change too much at one time. I know, I know, Mr. President, that’s what we elected you for, but you know how the good ol’ boys in Washington are – change comes slowly, if even at all. Please allow me to propose baby steps, and one that would certainly be worthy of Congress’s attention.
Universal Facial Care
You see, I just visited my local salon today to get a facial. Mr. President, this is only the second time in my thirty-some years that I’ve had this done. And I have no idea why this is. Most people associate facials with that guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, freaks, and women – that last one definitely being the case for the small Iowa town I live in. There is such a thing as a “man facial”, something most guys around here would never, ever consider doing. After all, they might like it. This is truly too bad.
I would only like a moment further of your attention while I describe to you the “facial buffet”. These steps below make up the “European” facial, and let me say, those Europeans sure got it right.
1. Make up removal cream
2. Hot towel
3. Round one moisturizer
4. Hot towel
5. Exfoliating scrub
6. Scalp massage – seriously, Mr. President, I went comatose for several blissful minutes during this one
7. Hot towel
8. Round two moisturizer – a nice little hairline massage during this one
9. Hot towel
10. Mask and cucumber slices (at least, I think they were)
11. Upper arm, shoulder, and neck massage – I may have flatlined here
12. Hot towel
13. Final moisturizer
This whole appointment took an hour, and I emerged like the proverbial butterfly. I greeted the world with a relaxed, genuine smile. Nothing or no one could faze me. I felt empowered! Imagine, Mr. President, doing a round of facials before a UN Council meeting or peace negotiations in the Middle East – I don’t think I need to explicit; I'm sure you probably understand my point here. Facials would be a ginormous step towards world peace. Not to mention United States peace. Who knows? Crime rate may go down!
If it’s hard for you to accept the idea of Free Facial Care for All, then consider, at the very least, your legacy. I mean, yeah, you’re the first Black president, but beyond that? Sure, there’s a White House press secretary, fitness trainer, chef, etc., but a White House Esthetician? That would definitely be a first. Michelle, Sasha, and Malia would thank you for it.