05 November 2008

HSM 3 Leads to Suicidal Thoughts

OK, I'm not really serious. At least, I don't think. It depends.

Kirby and I had a special girls' night out tonight, and we went to see High School Musical 3. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, HSM3 is Disney's attempt to corner the pre-teen movie market, and is, I might add here, doing a good job of it. Good enough that they've been able to make mountains out of molehills in the merchandise market (how's that for alliteration).

But really, Walt the Third, enough is enough.

About twenty minutes in, I wanted to beat my brains out on the row of seats in front of me. I wanted to drown myself in the eight inches of diet soda in the paper cup I was holding. I wanted strangle myself by my purse strap. I'm usually not given over to such fits of passion, but tonight, I was feeling it.

It's too bad, really, because I honestly enjoyed the first HSM. It was a cute plot with a few fun songs thrown in. HSM 2 was OK. The plot was still clever, the songs were OK, but the scene where Troy and Gabriella were breaking up and singing their goodbyes to each other gagged me like a plate of overcooked liver. HSM 3, however, was above and beyond. My gag reflex worked overtime. The plot was lame and trite (seniors contemplate final year's big decisions - whoa). Despite that, the plot *might have* worked had the director let the actors ACT instead of breaking out into song every ten minutes.

The songs! Oh, the songs. I think a drunken college student in a stupor slapped together some lyrics and pounded them out on his eight-year-old sister's Casio keyboard's demo track.

Zac Efron managed to look pissed throughout most of his singing numbers.

And while I'm thinking about it, here are a few other minor things that bugged me about this movie:

1. What's up with the big graduation scene (the play within the movie) where Troy announces he's going to Berkeley. His best friend, Chad, totally leaves the stage (in the middle of a show!), all pissed at Troy for not going to University of Albuquerque. Troy chases him to the basketball court, makes a few limp "friend-type" comments, then they run back to the play, friendship fixed. WTH? Chad has been living under the assumption the both of them are going to college together, and now Troy's just dropped the biggest, stinkiest turd of a bombshell on Chad's head...and Chad is angry enough to storm out in the middle of a theatrical production. Chad is a idiot. Troy is an idiot. So is Ms. Darbus. So is Troy's dad.

2. In one scene where Troy is torn because he's doesn't know what to do with his life, he drives to the high school, somehow entering the building, where he proceeds to run and dance around the entire school grounds trying to "find his way." WTH? In any other American high school, the cops would have arrested him, no holds barred.

3. Every scene Gabriella is in, she's wearing some gauzy spring dress number. And high heels. WTH? I know it's the Southwest US, but where are the more realistic sweatpants and flip-flops for god's sake? Everyone at my high school would want to kick her little fashionista ass.

4. We were duped by Sharpay. Again. WTH? In the end of every HSM, it seemed the bitch was going to change for the better and maybe act human. But, nooooooo. She went off her meds or something and suddenly became the East High Bitch Troll Queen once more. I just don't get why she's so popular.

5. Huh. As it turns out, all 1200 seniors at East High can dance, and hey, they all know the same dance routine. They also somehow know to break out into said routine at the end of Troy's graduation speech. Quelle surprise. Who knew? Maybe if my graduation had been intricately choreographed like that, my class reunion attendee turnout would be higher.

God, I'm exhausted. I haven't ranted like THAT for a long time. Of course, I don't think I've had ammo like that for a long time. God bless Disney...but seriously, please stop the HSM train now. Quit riding trying to ride on its coattails and let it go to college to become productive young adults. Please. Do it for all of us who parent an impressionable young girl.

If my daughter gets older and wants to relocate to New Mexico and become a "Wildcat", I will mercilessly persue you, Walt Jr., to the ends of the earth. For your blood.

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